Hey Trixie, I think I’m going to write the Johnson family Christmas letter this year.
Gee, Tino, are you sure that’s a good idea? Wouldn’t it be a little weird for folks to read a letter from the purr-spective of a cat? Most cats don’t write family Christmas letters.
Well, most HUMANS don’t write Christmas letters either. The concept is already a rarified anomaly, Trixie. Plus I applied to be a columnist for Cat Fancy magazine. I figured this would be good writing practice for me. And please Trixie, no cat puns. If I want to be taken seriously as a writer, I can’t resort to gimmicks and literary frippery.
Gosh Tino, you might actually be good at this! How do you know such big words? Rarified? Anomaly? Frippa-whatever?
Come on, it’s not like we’re DOGS, Trixie. Give me a little credit. Besides, I turn on CSPAN after everyone leaves in the morning. It helps expand my vocabulary and keeps me informed on current events that impact my fellow citizens.
You also knock over plants when everyone leaves in the morning.
Ha! It’s true, I do that!
By the way Tino, I think Cat Fancy went defunct in 2015.
Really?
Paw-sitive.
Hmmm. Perhaps that explains the lack of reply to my employment inquiries…
But seriously Tino, do you think people will believe this letter came from a cat? How would you really know what’s happening in the lives of the Johnson family? Two of the kids don’t even live at home anymore. It’s not like you’re an omnipresent being.
Trixie – readers have already accepted cat-to-cat dialogue this far into the letter. Do you think it’s really going to matter? And hey – look at you! OMNIPRESENT??
I know words too. I turn the channel to MSNBC when you take a nap in an empty Amazon box.
Touché, Trixie. OK, here goes:
I’ll start with the oldest, Aliyah. My omnipresent cat senses tell me she is enjoying her 3rd year at Iowa State. She moved into an apartment off campus with 2 friends and has been learning to cook and handle other adult-adjacent responsibilities. Aliyah is continuing on her path in Architecture, which sounds delightful. All those tiny models! I could knock over so many miniature trees and people! She works part-time giving tours to prospective ISU kids and coaching younger “Cyclone Aides”. Basically teaching students how to convince other students to attend ISU. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.
Next to Annabelle. It’s been hard for me this year, because I could always count on Annabelle for a warm lap to curl up on while she watched Korean soap operas or whatever it was. (I always fall asleep, so the details are fuzzy.) But since she moved away to college this past fall (also at Iowa State), I’ve had to work much harder to get the attention I so rightly deserve. Annabelle is ambitiously tackling Sociology, Spanish, and Statistics coursework. Something none of us saw coming (including Annabelle), was her joining the Ultimate Frisbee team. If you’re unfamiliar, Ultimate Frisbee is like soccer or football, but with a frisbee. I fail to see the appeal. Seems like a dog sport.
Did someone ask for a dog? Are we going for a walk? Is it time to lick the dirty plates in the dishwasher?
Go back to barking at the wind, Maizy and Zoyla. You’re not “frisbee dogs”. You’re barely dogs at all. Trixie and I outweigh both of you.
Well, maybe if Trixie didn’t inhale OUR DOG food like it’s her pre-dinner appetizer. Am I right Maizy? I’m just saying…
And there’s Brooks. He’s still at home, a Junior at Lincoln High School. Although I honestly don’t know how he even gets to school with the major, multi-year I-229/Cliff Avenue bridge construction project going on.
OK, Tino – isn’t that a bit far-fetched for readers to believe you not only know about construction, but also specific intersecting street names?
Seriously Trixie – if they’ve read this far, we don’t need to be concerned. And I read the city council minutes. Duh.
Anyway, Brooks golfed and golfed and golfed whenever the weather allowed. And sometimes even when it didn’t allow. But now that snow has fallen, he spends his time going to the gym, hanging out with friends, and working part-time at Austad’s (a golf store.) Brooks wants to be a doctor, lawyer, entrepreneur, or anything else that can earn him a pile of cash. I assume he wants to buy us one of those luxurious outdoor catios.
Tino – isn’t “catio” just a pun for cat patio?
Well Trixie, you can call a catio a frivolous pun. I call it a necessity.
Hiedi’s main role is to wake up at 5:00 AM every day to feed us and turn on a sink faucet so I can drink fresh running water instead of whatever stagnant liquid sits in that pathetic bowl on the floor. While she’s awake, she figures she might as well run, bike, lift weights, or all of the above before work. Watching her is exhausting, which is why I feel obligated to nap for the remaining 19 hours of the day. She goes to Sioux Falls Lutheran and teaches 2nd graders. That must be frustrating because she comes home and immediately yells at me to stop clawing the furniture, cabinets, wall trim, etc.
Tino – you realize there are like three perfectly good cat scratching posts right over there?
Well yes, but sometimes I need to scratch other things. Get me a catio and maybe I’ll be content not tearing up upholstery.
And Scott. I feel a real kinship with Scott. Our sar-cat-stic writing styles are very similar. (Sorry, I allowed myself one cat pun for Scott.). Even though he gets out of bed about 2 hours after Hiedi, I know he still loves me. Especially on the days he is wearing black dress pants for work at POET, the world’s largest bioethanol company. I interpret that as a personal invitation to rub against his pant leg and leave a pound of my white cat fur behind. He clearly wants everyone at work to know who his favorite pet is.
What makes you think YOU are his favorite?
Well, he did let me write this Christmas letter. He entrusted me with this sacred annual task. He’s been pretty busy attending author events, writing his second book, and publishing book-related content on his world-famous blog: scottjohnsonauthor.com.
So Trixie, I think readers will be able to tell that all 9 of us (5 humans, 2 cats, 2 dogs) aren’t in the same place all that often anymore. College, jobs, 19 hours of naps, barking at the spin cycle of the washing machine…we all are very busy. But whenever someone is home, it seems like we all gravitate toward our favorite mutual activity – simply cuddling up on the couch together in a pile of fur and fleece and impossible-to-clean microfiber. A family sharing their love. It reminds me just how lucky we are to have each other.
Sincerely,
Tino.
Also mentioned, Trixie, Zoyla, Maizy, Aliyah, Annabelle, Brooks, Hiedi, and Scott
